A friend turned to me this one day and very genuinely told
me, “You know, you say you want to become a scientist, you’re not really doing
anything about it.” And then I say, “I’m still a kid, and I’ll do it when I grow
up.” This was a couple days back, when I was 6 months away from turning 20. I’m
not phobic like other girls, “oooh I’m 20, I’m so OLD!” frankly I don’t get what
the big deal is. We are HERE to turn old and experience everything. But when I
come to think of it, I can’t even think of tomorrow. The fact that all elders
just go ahead and say, “You young people never think about your future.” This
is generally met with a scroll-full of arguments including points like,
“Oh no no, I’m preparing for blah exam.”
Or,” oh sure I know
what job I want” or,” what car I want.”
.. And the works. I can’t think of growing up in this world.
I just can’t. I can’t picture myself working under some boss, trying to meet
deadlines and reminiscing about college, and the good old days where deadlines
were a blur between some teacher flattery and a show of helplessness. It is
such a cruel world. I can’t think of my two little sisters taking things so
seriously and being all intense and professional about things. I don’t want
them to grow up. I don’t want anything to change. But it is all going to and I’ll
be forced to wear pencil skirts and look professional. I will be looked down
upon if I wear converse to work. People will judge me if I have an extra
piercing or a tattoo spelling out led zep or an ex flame.
Everyone says experiences in college are nothing; they just
train you for the future. Where is the future? School was supposed to make me ready
for college because that was our interpretation of the real world. What is real
world anyway? How is THIS not real? I’m typing on a real laptop, sitting on a
real chair. If things we face later are going to be worse than this why should
ANYBODY grow up? It’s like letting life fuck you around with your permission.
And anyway, what IS this bullshit about facing bigger problems. It is not as if
one day the earth will be dying and I’ll be the only person who can save it.
Now THAT would be a real problem, if seen objectively. Because after that
nothing would be real so that will be the last real thing happening to ANYONE.
Anyway, why SHOULD I not take NOW seriously when I don’t even know what I’m
doing 5 minutes from now (preferably studying, but when has that happened). All
I want to do right now, is go to the ground, lie down in the middle of it and
look at the stars. If I were the last person on earth, it would be so nice,
there would be nobody. It would be so quiet and then there would be no fear of
bumping into someone and make small talk.
“Hey! You’re alive!”
“Yea! So are you.”
“Umm Yay okay.”
And then what. You’d
be forced to be friends with that person. It’s like marrying that person. Or
you could just shoot them. OR you could trick them into believing that you don’t
see them, now THAT would be a sight.
Anyway, coming back to the point, this is all damn immature
of me; I’m being like how I was in 11th grade, all pessimistic about
things. It’s a mentality, being pessimistic. Take me for an example, I'm
sitting here cribbing about something that is biologically bound to happen (unless
of course), I should be doing something which I could use later in life, or
simply what interests me. Well the good part in my case is that at least I have
a vision; I know what I want to do which is based purely on my interests. I have
absolutely no resistance from anybody to do it except my own self. So what I
SHALL do now, instead of writing this, is study. I will, do math.
