Ek cutting chai.

Co-incidence, fate, whatever. But whenever there's a point of complete and utter despair, a train journey is staring me right in the face. I think every year I can attribute a week's worth of time ONLY to train journeys. It might not sound like much. Ive had major paranoia issues since as long as I can remember and these journeys somehow help me unwind. When I travel back home from college the compartments are mostly filled with students. I have been ragged in a train. Lightly though, was fairly fun. Sometimes some 6-8 guys are found with their heads dug in their pcs working their way through dota or cod. Sometimes a group of students just sit and smoke and exchange anecdotes of how that teacher was such a douche. I usually end up reading or watching something or just sitting down at the door with a friend.
This time was different.  After days of despair and ambiguity before and after results for god knows how many things,  I found myself at the end of my rope. I couldn't think straight and make a sane statement. 'Spiralling out of sanity' as I'd call it. 15 hours later, now im sitting across from my dad just staring into the horizon. I'm at peace. I dont even understand how that works just that it does. And beautifully so. I saw a string of  families living in a slum. Kids with dreadlocked hair from neglect, men with bare backs and women bent low in daily chores. And not a SINGLE one of them with a frown on their faces. One family had made pets out of this family of white strays, their pups playing with the tots. Kids were playing hop scotch and a girl was batting for a team of boys (which was like necter for my feminist soul). ROWS upon rows of identical bunglows in the exact same colours amusing the LIFE out of me and my dad. Open and vast ravines and a lone soul sitting somewhere in what seemed to be silent contemplation. I spent the last half an hour with this little girl, who barely reaches my knee, jumping around me playing let's-jump-around. Since I'm bad at babytalking I kept our conversation limited to 'tractor' and 'cow'. But then it WOULD be a little freaky if  I managed a conversation with a 2 year old. Anyway jokes apart, Travelling is one of the most beautiful aspects of any human. And in modern times its one of those simple pleasures of life which people have forgotten owing to their self important state of being perpetually busy. I'm going to a place where im going to be living alone. And working with people twice my age and I'm TERRIFIED. I have no idea as to what am I gonna make of it. I have no idea how I will deal with shifting and everything else. But after about 51 towns, 15 hours, 3 fields of marigold, some assortment of white and purple flowers, gazillions of salt panes later, I know I'll be fine. And everything else will be fine too.

Darkness and its Sanctity

A room, dark as night

Dark doors, slammed shut.

Dark windows cracked and shattered,

Dark sheets that smell of yew.

A dark lady, her companions dark thoughts.

Of wilted flowers and shriveled fruits, she wrote,

Of crushed hope and of broken souls.

Beside a lamp, she wrote.

Her tresses, wild and unruly.

Twisted freedom plagued her mind

Twisted bonds and twisted ropes,

That bled her writhing arms.

Thorns that dug into her neck,

And that pierced her soul.

In pain she found solace, it became her nectar.

Wrenched away from home and from any humanity

She sat by the light,

Writing, her mane flowing like a waterfall.

In Those moments, filled with darkness

She found her darkened heart.

It bled by the second,

For an estranged love,

For a smashed pride.

It bled onto the tattered gown,

Onto the silk, that once was pristine.

It bled for the pain she saw,

For things that might have been.

For smashed dreams.

Bound in chains,

Bound in shackles she wrote

Her skin raw and fingers bleeding.

She found solace.

In broken dreams and crushed hopes

She found her peace.

Where is my mind.

For the past few days, weeks even, my existence has been a chaotic, unconsolidated mush of unrecognizable emotions. Things that I never felt before as a schoolgirl. Fear, uncertainty, a sense of disconnection to name a few. It struck me today, that it is all a reaction to change. The first few months of college seemed like someone had opened a window in a room, long closed, and let atmosphere in. it was so new, so fresh and most of all, so SO welcome. Met new people, forged relationships, found myself and lost myself again. In my almost-two-years here, never once I thought I would want to go back to That time again. That I would crave that half an hour I got while travelling. That half an hour which was entitled to ME. Not to the teachers, not to those wretched exams, not to my family even. In there almost-two-years, I have had plenty of time to spend alone , doing things my way. I have voraciously thanked my stars for the life I lead and the life that my family leads. And then suddenly there was a void I did not how to fill with work or boys or friends. This void shoved itself head first into my stomach sometime back. I don’t know exactly what triggered it, but then I started enjoying time alone more. That was all I had, a string of moments of weakness in the dark, where no one could see them. And then I would wake up next morning and be that cool brave person again. That strong person who is above all the lesser emotions. This was my ‘enjoyment’ of alone time. This void I tried to fill with music. It gives me satisfaction but it still leaves me hungry. I started reading God of Small Things, and all my memories from That time in school came rushing back. when I was nursing a broken heart, and growing ever closer to my soul mate. This book reminded me of how there were such less people in school, and you could walk to another room and find someone who had read a similar book and start talking about it. College has been a rush of so many lights, thoughts, people, emotions, dresses.. that it is over whelming. And scary. I thought I adjusted very well. No one adjusts well.

Ceremony, rituals. These are the things we hold on to when change sweeps us off our feet. Mine were writing, reading books, finding joy in little things. And when I come here and see people, the maelstrom is so strong that I'm losing grip on my rituals. These rituals are also, in way, building blocks of a religion. They are the pillars, whose strength will be called upon by a crumbling temple. Rituals are pillars to a crumbling faith. I'm losing my pillars. When that fragile mask of societal norm shatters and when you are laid bare for everyone to see. When that knot in your throat becomes bigger and starts to choke you. When that butterfly feeling in your stomach turns to a malevolent lurching of a raging river. In those moments of weaknesses, I cant find anything to hold on to. My writing is as stale as dry wormwood. By the grace of any cosmic entity that I can care to acknowledge, I have everything anyone could wish for. And yet there is a fear gnawing at my innards. A fear of losing it entirely perhaps? No. it is a fear of losing myself completely and become a machine. It is a fear that a burning throat fears when chilli passes through it. A friend pointed out that in all my conversations, I use the first person with ample generosity. Is it because there is someone inside trying to hold on to what I was? It’s a fear of running out of my essence. That fuel , that makes me who I am. 

and Voila! There's your Epiphany for today!

A friend turned to me this one day and very genuinely told me, “You know, you say you want to become a scientist, you’re not really doing anything about it.” And then I say, “I’m still a kid, and I’ll do it when I grow up.” This was a couple days back, when I was 6 months away from turning 20. I’m not phobic like other girls, “oooh I’m 20, I’m so OLD!” frankly I don’t get what the big deal is. We are HERE to turn old and experience everything. But when I come to think of it, I can’t even think of tomorrow. The fact that all elders just go ahead and say, “You young people never think about your future.” This is generally met with a scroll-full of arguments including points like,

“Oh no no, I’m preparing for blah exam.”

 Or,” oh sure I know what job I want” or,” what car I want.”

.. And the works. I can’t think of growing up in this world. I just can’t. I can’t picture myself working under some boss, trying to meet deadlines and reminiscing about college, and the good old days where deadlines were a blur between some teacher flattery and a show of helplessness. It is such a cruel world. I can’t think of my two little sisters taking things so seriously and being all intense and professional about things. I don’t want them to grow up. I don’t want anything to change. But it is all going to and I’ll be forced to wear pencil skirts and look professional. I will be looked down upon if I wear converse to work. People will judge me if I have an extra piercing or a tattoo spelling out led zep or an ex flame.

Everyone says experiences in college are nothing; they just train you for the future. Where is the future? School was supposed to make me ready for college because that was our interpretation of the real world. What is real world anyway? How is THIS not real? I’m typing on a real laptop, sitting on a real chair. If things we face later are going to be worse than this why should ANYBODY grow up? It’s like letting life fuck you around with your permission. And anyway, what IS this bullshit about facing bigger problems. It is not as if one day the earth will be dying and I’ll be the only person who can save it. Now THAT would be a real problem, if seen objectively. Because after that nothing would be real so that will be the last real thing happening to ANYONE. Anyway, why SHOULD I not take NOW seriously when I don’t even know what I’m doing 5 minutes from now (preferably studying, but when has that happened). All I want to do right now, is go to the ground, lie down in the middle of it and look at the stars. If I were the last person on earth, it would be so nice, there would be nobody. It would be so quiet and then there would be no fear of bumping into someone and make small talk.

“Hey! You’re alive!”

 “Yea! So are you.”

 “Umm Yay okay.”

 And then what. You’d be forced to be friends with that person. It’s like marrying that person. Or you could just shoot them. OR you could trick them into believing that you don’t see them, now THAT would be a sight.

Anyway, coming back to the point, this is all damn immature of me; I’m being like how I was in 11^th grade, all pessimistic about things. It’s a mentality, being pessimistic. Take me for an example, I'm sitting here cribbing about something that is biologically bound to happen (unless of course), I should be doing something which I could use later in life, or simply what interests me. Well the good part in my case is that at least I have a vision; I know what I want to do which is based purely on my interests. I have absolutely no resistance from anybody to do it except my own self. So what I SHALL do now, instead of writing this, is study. I will, do math.

Big woman.

Hello there, all you feminists. Let me tell you one thing, it’s a bad time to be a woman. It will always be a bad time to be a woman, and , oh you suddenly agree to that? Well, hold your horses. Your being a feminist is only your ego lashing out, desperate to hold on to something that renders a woman even remotely respected. Notice how I said respectED and not respectABLE. Women are always respectable, but then deep down inside, we all know you(man and woman alike) don’t respect a woman. However much you want to scream at me right now, and well, remind me of the fact that I'm a woman too, the fact remains the same. Since you were a kid, you’ve been taught to disrespect ‘the female’, and by example no less. That girl in your grade who  you pushed around and bullied because you had a ‘crush’ on her, or well, simply. Your sister, whose plaits you’ve pulled since as long as you can remember, and then branded it sibling-affection. Your mother who you have manipulated into giving you extra money to have that canteen meal which your father refused to. Men have always found ways of disrespecting women, be it a teacher who has given you the gift of knowledge, or your mother who, well, bore you for 9 months, or that girl you saw drunk the other day on the road.

This, as has been repeatedly observed, everyone denies. “No, I’m not like other people you know, I have grown up with three sisters and I TOTAlly respect them” if you catch them on a normal day, you could often hear them say, “MAN did you LOOK at that ass. That shit is what I'm gonna tap one day. *hooting and grins*”.  Hitting a woman, as a matter of fact, is not as demeaning as ordering her to get your tea and then getting pissed off when she hasn’t mixed the sugar. Yes sir, open your eyes, this is a human being working, physically, as much as you are and emotionally, probably even more. Oh and that’s another thing. You're having a fight with your girlfriend and then you tell her, “hey I love you, just wait for a couple days. You’re PMSing , it will pass. Don’t worry.” 

Well while we are at it, I'm gonna take up the age old dilemma of gender disparity. A boy drinks, comes back to hostel with a couple smokes and his friends are like, “bhai, ab bohot ho gaya, stop smoking. Try toh kar.” Replace the boy with a girl and you hear, “dude, go to so and so room, you can smell smoke from outside. Her parents haven’t taught her anything or what?”, “ oh that girl? Yea yea, Ive seen her drunk a lot of times.” And a third one joins in,” oh yea man, I saw her making out with this guy the other day. What a slut.”. now this was an example of a woman’s reaction to their kind. All unicorns and rainbows. What about a man, you say? What does a man think? “dude she’s so badass, but naah, she’s not the kind of girl you date, you know because my girlfriend will be decent .. blah blah” and the works.

A woman will always remain a plaything to EVERY man on earth. She’s the one you will go to when you need comforting. She’s also the one you(straight men) will go to when you are horny. She is nothing but a device to you, a device you can appreciate from time to time, revel in its beauty or that new tube dress that accentuates her figure, but you will never consider her your equal. She has climbed mountains, smashed world records, won laureates, has patents. She has given birth to you, she has seen to your every demand, she has held your hand and sat by you when she had a cabinet full of work, she has tended to you with no complaints selflessly. And you won’t acknowledge it, why? Because , “I’m a man, I'm stronger and smarter than you, you can take care of the babies while I prove my masculinity to others by insulting and ordering you.” Even if you do, even if a woman sparks that inspiration and admiration in you, you say, “I like women on top*pun intended*. The alpha woman, who is the best among all” because why, it flatters your ego.

Basically, if you are a woman with ego, ambitions, emotions and natural human needs,

my sincere condolences.

My star, Little star

twinkle, little star.

do you wonder what you are?

a thousand miles, and inches apart,

your mind feels tangible by day,

lucid by night.

little steps to clarity,

your feet may take,

sluggishly the clarity slips away.

the wretched sun, over the brook,

the wretched rain, the wretched peace.

your dreams of calm, I snatch,

render you with pain, 

fecundate with chaos.

revel in the langour,

slowly eating away at you.

luxuria, gula, ira, invidia,

avaricia, acedia, superbia,

your seven comrades, 

shall never leave your side.

little star, find beauty in death,

in agony of brothers, 

in grieving sisters.

your mind performs le danse macabre,

flames shall lash against your skin,

burning with the wasted brilliance,

you once carried, 

burning with it, your wasted heart,

your wasted soul.

rest in peace, little star,

you will never wonder what you are.

We Are The (awkward)Champions.

yes, welcome to the Fraternity of The Socially Awkward. We are dorks, geeks, nerds, all in different combinations. we like to crack jokes because, well that's all we know. to other people, it is all so exotic, because, "oh look! its him!, we're in for some entertainment." or "oh look! its her!, she's so weird!" or ,"oh look! he just dropped a fork!". we suck at expressing ourselves so we dramatize everything (*whispers* yesss, like that) so that numskulls don't get SHIT of what we are saying.

and while it may seem so deliciously attractive to people(seriously what is UP with your taste), it is more of a handicap sometimes. when I walk out of my house to but milk, it is a FUCKING nightmare, because I'll meet GAzillions of people who know my mom(so im obliged to make small talk), dad(so im obliged to make small talk), grandma from Netherlands(so im obliged to make small talk) and people who say hi for absolutely no fucking reason. so i'm going to give you a crash course right here on how to behave around us inept people.

1. If you see us with earphones, PLEASE, take hint and do NOT make eye contact or talk, because frankly, some people just have earphones plugged in JUST so that, well, they can avoid all the blabber about how you haven't started for sessionals, and how you watched that movie where a kangaroo died and brought about an avalanche.

2. We break out into monologues from lord of the rings, or Pirates of the Caribbean or, Harry Potter or well, simply from our own special cocktails of grey matter. So please, judge if you want or just fuck off but do NOT interrupt or ask where it is from. That kind of beats the whole point.

3. If we can't relate to you when your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't drop a line for two days, doesn't mean we are heartless. My heart wept when dobby died, and when natheniel frees bartimaeus and sacrifices himself? my faith in humanity was restored for 3 seconds right there.

4. If we're scared of monsters in the dark, its not because we're sissies(well there ARE other reasons that validate the sissy behaviour), it is because you're too ignorant to acknowledge the presence of a karanadon somewhere in a corner, or well, right in your face( you would probably be in his face by now, literally).

so please, don't try to talk to us, if you do, please make sure its about ANYTHING that doesn't concern your sorry self.

may your swords stay sharp, and your tongues even sharper.
*three finger salute*